Christamar Varicella
christamar10@hotmail.com
When it came to low flow toilets there was only one way to resolve the standoff between Dekalb County CEO Vernon Jones and Commissioner Connie Stokes: A steel cage death match.
Tensions spiraled out of control last week when CEO Jones proposed a plan calling for buildings built before 1992 to be fitted with low flow toilets. Local realtors balked, words were exchanged, and by the end of the week a steel cage had been erected in Decatur Square. The battle began at noon sharp yesterday.
As spokesperson for the realtors,
Commissioner Stokes employed the ancient art of
jujitsu, while Mr. Jones, representing corruption in
general, relied on a more traditional “Miyagi-do”
Karate.
Miss Stokes entered the ring on her back, “crab style,” thwarting Mr. Jones’s hopes of winning a swift victory with a single “crane” kick. After taking several blows to the shins, Mr. Jones was able to “wax off” all further attacks during the first round.
But Miss Stokes came on strong to start the second round, landing several body blows that left Jones stunned. As Stokes continued to work his midsection, Mr. Jones tried in vain to remember the special move used by Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid: II. Fortunately, he failed—that movie was really stupid.
With Jones confused, Stokes seized the advantage. First, she choked Jones into submission, and then, in a final bit of irony, her manager threw a low flow toilet into the ring and shouted, “Finish Him!” after which Miss Stokes dispatched the Chief Executive Officer.
Funeral services will be held Saturday at 3 p.m.
Part 2 of this article: \"Jones Defies Death, Returns to Work as Usual\" will probably never be written.