Campaigners jump through hoops
By Jaylyn Bergner
Jaylyn@inkwelldesigns.net
Washington, D.C. – The first 2008 Presidential Talent Show was held yesterday in front of the Washington Memorial reflecting pools by the Oval Office candidates to boost awareness about their recent campaigning.
“We’d noticed that the American public preferred watching curling for 36 hours straight over 10 minutes of race-related content. Many polled individuals were unaware that the race had even begun,” said a spokesman for Barack Obama. “The aim of this contest was for the candidates to dig deeper than the power-hungry façade and demonstrate a different side of their personalities that most people don’t realize they have.”
The hour-long contest had flexible rules on talent qualifications, leaving much room for interpretation. The results ranged from Obama’s oration of Martin Luther King’s speech, “I Have A Dream,” to John Edward’s demonstration of proper hair grooming. Yet only four individuals were selected for the finals to compete for the much sought-after prize of $5 million in campaign funds. While all of the presidential hopefuls were invited to participate, several failed to attend. “We really aren’t all that surprised that Chris Dodd and Duncan Hunter were no shows. It seems to be a trend for them lately,” said Mitt Romney.
Rudy Giuliani garnered an enormous response to his black-and-white photographs of the 9/11 Attack. Most thought his parade of melancholy images would seal his first-place victory. However, it wasn’t until a rogue picture involving handcuffs and one of New York’s finest (ladies in blue negligee, that is) found its way into the slideshow that the crowd turned. Giuliani was quoted as saying, “I don’t understand…unemployment in the city is down! What do you people want from me?”
Scooping up third place like a line drive to center field, Bill Richardson wooed the crowd with his athletic prowess in the diamond. His 95mph fastball shocked the audience, but left even the judges confused as to who he was. “At first, I was like, yo man, check it, that’s the dude that played Babe Ruth in the Sand Lot! I was gonna get his autograph, for sure. But he just turned out to be some hotshot from Mexico,” said audience member Jerome Mills of Cleveland, Ohio. “Hey, man, can Mexicans run for office now, too?”
With a stunning display of ball handling, three-pointers and boxing-out ballet, Hillary Clinton nailed the second place award. Recent disbelief of her love of the game was put to rest when she slam dunked in her new tweed, Calvin Klein pantsuit. In her later interview with Barbra Walters, she was overhead saying, “Don’t tell me I ain’t got no game!”
Mike Huckabee and his band, Capitol Offense, astounded judges and audience members with his high-tempo riff changes and finger-picking abilities. Despite slight jeers when he changed Lynard Skynard’s long-time favorite to “Sweet Home, Arkansas,” the crowd quickly forgave the political rock star and cheered loudly when the judges announced him the talent show winner.
“It was a really difficult decision,” said long-time TV actor David Hasselhoff. “I mean, just being around people that have talent was really overwhelming, let alone having to pick just one winner! I admit that I got choked up when Hillary took off into the air. You know that if this whole White House thing doesn’t work out for her, she’s going to take some women’s high school team to the playoffs!”
In an even more surprising act, Huckabee turned his prize over to Clinton, and said, “Yall know, me winning is like a coon finding a dead duck in the desert. He can sniff and sniff, but sooner or later, that dog’s gonna realize he’s in the sand. ”
Since the event was the most-watched event in the history of television, the Government is now considering replacing the formal election process with the talent show. “I think this just shows what the citizens are looking for, and we’ll be able to reach more constituents this way,” said former Vice President Al Gore. “Obviously they are looking for something other than results! They want knife throwing and unicycle riding. And if they want a circus, by God, that’s what we’ll give them!”
About the Author:
Writer, athlete, entrepreneur, world traveler, musician, artist, humorist, philosopher, optimist, satirist, underwater basket weaver…Jaylyn Bergner strives to experience and understand all of life’s idiosyncrasies, while finding the underlying comedy in each. She currently serves as the owner of Inkwell Designs, a sole source for writing, editing, public relations, and event planning needs. Email her at Jaylyn@inkwelldesigns.net