Look here baldy, it's just not happening!
Oh, so you think you can be president? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but dude, it just isn’t going to happen. You want me to prove it? Ok. Let’s see if you pass the president litmus test.
Did you come from a wealthy and powerful white family? Oh you did!?! That’s a good start. Did you go to either Yale, Harvard, or Princeton? Yes!?! Okay, not bad. Final question. . . are you bald as a cueball? Oh sorry, maybe you could still be a janitor or something.
It is just a fact, people like their leaders to be like the armpits of European women- hairy! For example, America has been in existence for over two centuries, and surprisingly there has only been a bald president in charge a total of 23 of those years.
The first one was John Adams, followed by his son John Quincy Adams. Both men only served one term before the public decided to get rid of their bald butts. The next bald president was Martin Van Buren, who toward the end of his term began fluffing and teasing what little hair he had left. Somehow, the voters didn’t like it and he was done after one term also. James Garfield came next. He was shot. 72 years passed before the country selected another bald man, and it was Dwight Eisenhower. But the voters had little choice, his opponent Adlai Stevenson had even less hair. The last time America had a bald president it was Gerald Ford, and he took office after Nixon resigned. As is the trend with our hairless presidents, he was not reelected.
Let’s face it-- nobody wants a follicley challenged man in charge of them. Let’s take a look at other countries. For years, the USSR was run by Mikhail Gorbachev. Gorby was a communist baldy, but as soon as the country got a chance to vote they booted that bald punk (for the record, he decided not to run in the election, but only because he knew he would have lost). They elected Boris Yeltsin who had a beautiful mane of white hair to match his incompetency.
Today, Tony Blair leads Great Britain. He has a full head of hair. North Korea is lead by Kim Jong Il, whose hair is almost as scary as he is. For years, Saddam ruled Iraq, and while he may not have had any WMD’s he certainly had a full head of hair (the bushy eyebrows were extra).
But since you want to be president of America, lets shift our focus back to the states. Our founding father knew all too well that hair meant power. George was probably as bald as a used NASCAR tire, but he covered it up with those cool wigs. You remember Abraham Lincoln, right? Well, reports are that he was starting to go bald, but it only served as a target for his assassin.
So let’s face it, you are too bald for the position. But I am sure there are plenty of other things you could do. Michael Jordan was bald and he did okay. Can you dunk? No!? Wait, I’ve got it! You could be Vice President of the United States. I hear the current one should keel over any day now. Then you and your bald head can corrupt the world any way you want!
