Impeached Ranks the Vice President Candidates
by Christamar Varicella
The presidential primaries are far from over, but the media is rife with speculation over potential running mates. We caught up with several candidates. Here’s what they had to say:
Tom Vilsack
(Democrat): I think I’d make a great
vice president. Very few people have heard of
me, but I’m a very important man in the state of
Iowa. Wait… I’m going somewhere with this.
Iowa is in close proximity to Ohio, which is actually
a pretty important state when it comes to the general
election. Not only am I a respected Midwestern
politician, but I also spend a lot of time in the
buckeye state’s many outlet malls. So I’ve got
that going for me. I also should point out that
I would never overshadow my running mate. I’m
great at funerals, and I don’t mind when people make
fun of my name because it sounds vaguely sexual.
“Go play with your Vilsack.” That sort of
thing. It’s funny!
Mike Huckabee
(Republican): Technically, I’m still in
the race for president, but let’s be realistic.
The Colbert bump only takes you so far, and VP is
still huge promotion from Governor of Arkansas.
A HUGE promotion. I’m totally prepared to throw
my support behind John McCain if he offers me the
job. I could shore up his support among REAL
conservatives.Reporter: The Washington Post called you McCain’s wingman in the debates. Is that how you see yourself?
Huckabee: Not only that, but I’m his wingman on the night club circuit. McCain is old, but he can still party. Of course, as a Baptist, I’m not allowed to party myself, but I like to go along to keep him out of trouble. You would not believe how many times I have gotten that guy laid.
Bill Richardson
(Democrat): Why should I be the Vice
President? Well, my years as governor of New
Mexico have given me valuable executive
experience. I would be prepared to step in
immediately if, forbid, something happened to the
president. I also have a great deal of foreign
policy experience. I stared down Saddam Hussein
in a blinking contest, and I came very close to giving
Kim Jung Il a noogey once. Also, I don’t know if
anyone has noticed, but the number of Latino voters
has exploded in the last few years. I’m just
saying...
Jim Thune
(Republican): To quote the Washington
Post, I’m “young, handsome, and socially conservative…
the freshman senator from South Dakota has the
complete package.” My turn-ons include women who
wear wool dresses and buns in their hair, hunting, and
the missionary position. My turn-offs include
guys who say they’re going to call and then never do,
and abortions.
John Edwards
(Democrat): Let me get one thing
straight. My Daddy worked in a mill all his
life. Now that I’ve got that straight, I’m a
multi-millionaire former trial lawyer living in a
luxurious compound, who drops $400 every two days on
haircuts. The reason I can talk about two
Americas is because I went from one to the other.
I’m also a white guy, and, unlike this year’s
Democratic primaries, that actually may be an asset in
the general election. Reporter: What do you say to those who point at the 2004 fiasco when you ran as John Kerry’s running mate?
Edwards: All I can say is, like most people, I also thought Kerry was a douche bag, so you can’t pin that election on me. Frankly, it was the voters who screwed up.
Now that you’ve heard from some of the front runners—here are some of the long shots.
Ron Paul (Republican, well, sort
of): It’s crazy! I can’t believe
we’re even talking about this. I’ve raised more
money than Romney and McCain combined. I’m the
only one in the party who anyone is fired up
about. So, why aren’t republicans voting for
me? Is it because I keep pointing out how stupid
they are? Are they mad at me for pointing out
that the war in Iraq is not only costing lives, it’s
dragging our economy into the mud? Doesn’t the
fact that I’m pro-life count for anything?
Sheesh.Reporter: Would you accept the VP job if it was offered to you?
Paul: (Laughing) We both know that will never happen.
Bill Clinton (Sex
Machine): Yeah, I could be the Vice
President. If Hillary wins, I’ll already be
right there in the White House. She might as
well give me something to do. On the other hand,
what good does being VP do me? I’ve already been
president. Why go back to bologna when you’re
used to filet mignon. Of course, I love all pork
products. Feel free to insert your own joke
here. Anyway, I don’t think I want the
job. I finally have a chance to roam around the
White House in my underwear without people screaming
like the sky is falling, slapping me with sexual
harassment suits, and whining about how undignified it
is for a president to give a speech in the Rose Garden
with his slick willy flopping out. I say a man
should be able to walk around in his underwear in his
own home!And finally,
George W Bush
(Idiot): Heh Heh. You know there
was a time when the job of vice president was a
position in America that was a job that I thought
would be a good job. Back in Crawford, Texas, me
and Dan Quayle used to go up to this little putting
green I’ve got down there, and we’d chip shots down
the hill at some of the amigos doing the grounds
keeping. Heh Heh. Everybody got a kick out
of that. So anyways, Danny Boy says to me, I
call him Danny Boy, sometimes I call him Mr. Potato
Head on account of that whole spelling thing, the bad
spelling he did when he worked for my Daddy.
Another way to put it is—he’s a terrible
speller. The guy didn’t know how to spell
potato. Heh Heh Heh. Now, don’t go testing
me on how to spell potato. I’m not like one of
those good spellers who goes around spelling things
correctly. In other words, spelling’s not a
thing I’m good at doing. That’s why I passed the
No Child Left Behind Act, which effectively eliminates
spelling from most curriculums.What were we talking about? Oh yeah, spelling.
Reporter: Actually we were talking about whether you would be interested in the job of vice president.
Bush: That’s what you say, Man Boobs. For those of you at home, I call this guy doing the interview, Man Boobs, because he’s kind of on the chunky side. Heh Heh Heh. Anyways, I don’t want the VP job. Quayle said it was an easy gig, but then I saw Big Dick—that’s what I call Cheney cause he’s kind of a… big dick. Another way of saying it would be to say that the guy is a big dick. Anyways, that guy works all the time. Sometimes, I call him up and say, Hey Big Dick, Can you cover for me today? I feel like going fishing. And he’s all like, “Yes sir, Mr. President.” Big D is kind of a suck up, but he helps take the pressure off me. Hell, I’m down to only going into the oval office on Wednesday, or as I like to call it, Hump day. Anway, Man Boobs. I gotta get going. A certain Senor Del Chacchio has a date with a Titleist.