(forget the tigers!)
By Beth Ashton
mayiborrowyourpen@gmail.com
Now, irrespective of whether it's a lion, tiger, or hermaphrodite imposing doom upon your mortality, there has to be a feasible escape
route.
Realistically, that's what a 600 pound Siberian Tiger thought in San Francisco last Tuesday, much to his imminent dismay.
One gets to thinking, in such a situation, what would I do? I'd be smarter than that guy, that's for sure. That tiger wouldn't know what
hit him.
Really? Is that really fair to say when you're slurping another soda, comfortably nestled amongst your abundance of soft furnishing?
We can all watch National Geographic, and learn that when a hornheaded poisonous viper is coming for you in the plains of the Sahara, you should run in zig-zag formations to confuse the creature and prematurely fatigue him. Thus giving you a window to return to your slain camel, and continue drinking water, squeezed from the partially digested matter you've scavenged from his stomach. This info is verging on common knowledge surely, but where are the warnings for the beasts we don't even consider to be a threat? The cute little animals we let our children snuggle into bed with at night?
A recent visit to the Atlanta Aquarium confirmed my suspicion, that penguins, (albeit entertaining and aesthetically pleasing) are without a doubt one of the most sinister and lethal animals on this earth.
As with our aforementioned tiger, I can appreciate that Pingu the Penguin may be quite irate, penned up in a tiny enclosure and eating fish from the hand of some guy who keeps talking to him like he has learning difficulties. But I know first hand, that even in the wild, penguins are the ante of whatever you believe to be good, and worship worthy. Not even Brad with his special aquarium issued gloves, hat and vocabulary can thwart the penguin and his horrifying intent. The Dr. Evil of the Atlantic seaboard, the terrorist of the coast.
When dining on fresh calamari, in Simonstown, South Africa, nothing could be better than combining the experience with good conversation and wine. Shortly followed by a detour across the beach, before returning home. The sand caressing your toes, and the smooth beams of gold light from the shorefront bouncing on the waves as you digest your meal.
Then look! Whence you stumble upon a rocky cavern, you see pairs of glinting eyes emerging from the dark...
I must add, that warnings from friends, came and rapidly were dismissed as my intrigue grew. With flip-flops in hand, I gently ambled over to the cave, and within seconds I realized the turkey trap I had fallen into.
This was a bloody ambush! Clever Pingu.
The whole penguin community hidden amongst the rocks came at me with the full fury of an infantry march, and bloodthirsty war cries to accompany their deceivingly fast approach. Imagine choking on a large morsel of food, (lets use calamari as an example) and the crack sound your larynx would make after a powerful Heimlich was performed on you.
That would be similar to the sound of a very angry penguin. Retreating hastily, I was backed into the sea as wings hammering torsos, too entered the water. The freezing burn of the atlantic numbing my legs. If I fell down, it would be game over. Death by penguin. But lo! An island! (One square foot boulder.) Stumbling upon
it I began furiously swinging my purse with the aim of taking them all down like bowling pins. Delirious laughter filled my lungs, and I'm sure my eyes turned a furious red, as I hammered them home to Davy Jones.
Now, I hope no advocate for PETA reads this and terminates my weekly newsletter. I really love the recipes. But heed my warning. I went with no murderous intent, just to sneak a peek of a penguin. I was still at remarkable distance from the peril! Next thing I knew I was stranded offshore, certain I was going to die. Calamari was a delicious last meal. I can still taste the lemon on my lips.
If you're going to get all up in the grill of a Siberian Tiger, no less, you cannot be naive to the attitude that once they have the opportunity, they will chew your face off. And if you're on break, some other poor sod is going to feel the wrath.
Don't take what I'm saying with a pinch of salt, but rather a large insurance policy.
Your neighbor's pet sure ain't no cute bunny wabbit.